Why I Will Never Be President

I can never be President of the United States, and it is Siri’s fault.

First you need to understand that Siri doesn’t like me much. Her greatest area of helpfulness is keeping me humble by pointing out that my phone is superior to me in every way.

We recently had this conversation.

“Siri, send a message to my wife.”

“Okay. I’m sending a message to your wife. What would you like the message to say?”

“Tell her that I am stopping for gas.”

“Okay. Your message says you are stopping for gas. Should I send your message?”

“Yes, please.”

“Okay. Who should I send it to?”

“My wife.”

“Okay. I’m sending a message to your wife. What would you like the message to say?”

I admit that at this point, my words got a little more pointed. Siri doesn’t like it when my words get pointed.

“Tell her that I’m stopping for gas.”

“Okay. Your message says you are stopping for gas. Should I send your message?”

“YES!”

Please note the lack of “please.” Siri doesn’t like it when I don’t say “please.”

“Okay. Your message has been sent.”

My wife didn’t respond to my message. I called her to ask if she got it.

She did, but confessed she had no clue how to respond to such a missive. So I checked my outgoing messages.

The message she got said – and I apology for the language, but I am quoting Siri here:

“I am starving Frick ass.”

So my wife naturally assumed that either:

A)     I was very hungry and not very good at swearing or

B)      There was some kid out there named Frick that I wasn’t being very hospitable to.

So what does this have to do with me becoming President?

If I ever decide to run for office, you know that Fox News will hire some private eye to hack into my phone – and then my messages will become public.

And I will have to defend the statement, “I am starving Frick ass.”

I can just see the Washington Post article now. They will track down Frick’s family, and interview his sister.

“Why, yes, I remember Sean well. He refused to feed my brother’s mule. How cruel!”

Then Peta will be all up in my business, demanding I apologize for using a derogatory appellation for mules.

And of course the Super Models Superpac will be running ads on how I give starving a bad name.

And Big Oil will drop any endorsement of me, as I was devoting my time to starving Frick ass when I should have been pumping up their profits.

Nope, it’s a scandal I won’t be able shake, and so I will never become president.

Thanks a lot, Siri.

Just my thoughts,

Sean

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