Where to Workout: Health Advice from an Avowed Couch Potato (Marathon T-16 Weeks)

One of the questions I get all the time is, “Should I go to a gym to workout?”

Okay, maybe I don’t get that question as much as, “Hey, have you seen Jim?” But the point is, there are options of where to work out, and I feel that you need my advice. Here are the options:

1) Join a gym.

Are you kidding? Going to a gym is paying someone to torture you, putting trainers in the same category as dentists, IRS agents and college professors.

Think about this rationally: for one month’s gym membership, you could buy two family size bags of Doritos, three gallons of chocolate chip mint ice cream, three packs of Twizzlers, a Costco size bag of M&M’s, two pepperoni pizzas, six liters of Pepsi, and a small box of Junior Mints (if you don’t buy them at a movie theater – if you buy them at a movie theater, then all you can afford is the Junior Mints).

And what do you get instead of all that? A room full of heavy things and a guy yelling at you that you’re using the equipment wrong. No different than going to the reference section of the library and trying to watch a DVD on the microfiche reader.

(For my younger readers who don’t know what I’m talking about: a DVD is the thing that used to carry movies before streaming.)

So a waste of money.

2) Workout at home.

Are you kidding? You don’t know what you’re doing, and without professional guidance, you might hurt yourself.

The only upside is that you can then sue the landlord; but I own my house, and the last time I tried to get money out of me, I just laughed at myself.

So, what is the best approach to working out?

The only smart choice is to stay on your couch and think about working out. Come on, people – those two family size bags of Doritos aren’t going to eat themselves.

jmt,

Sean

Hey, want to support a great cause while following my workout advice? CLICK HERE.

Resolutions: Health Advice from an Avowed Couch Potato (Marathon T-18 Weeks)

This is the time of year that people make their New Year’s Resolutions; followed immediately by a season of depression for having failed at keeping those very resolutions.

There are those who would counsel restraint, advising that we should make realistic goals, and therefore be more likely to achieve those goals.

Bosh! Such thinking is pessimistic and sad. Reach for the stars! Make resolutions without limiting your dreams! Face it, no matter how big or small, you’re not going to keep your resolutions anyway, so go big!

The key to successful resoluting is not in whether the pledges are kept, but in how prepared one is to deflect the fact that one failed miserably. Thankfully, you have come to an expert in Grand Resolution Denial.

Here are some tips:

  • Blame misinterpretation. “You thought I said I was going to run eight miles? No, I’m going to rent ‘8 Mile.’ That Eminem, what an actor.”
  • Homonyms are your friend. “Time for me to lose those fifteen pounds. Now fifteen pounds sterling is about twenty euros… Anyone know of a casino in France?”
  • Date your resolution to a time when everyone will have forgotten you made the pledge. “I am going to cut back on snacking. In August.”
  • Pick an unsuspecting dupe as a partner. “Mark and I are going to run a marathon! Mark, you take the first 27 miles…”
  • Be grand in the resolution, but downplay the details. “I am going to stick to my diet all year! Now, where did I leave that pamphlet on the Ice Cream and Candy Diet?”
  • Preface with conditions. “Unless there is weather outside, I’m going to jog on a regular basis.”
  • Backend with unrelated conditions. “I’m going to the gym three times a week, unless there is an incident of some sort in the Middle East.”
  • Lie. “Honey, isn’t it odd how this shirt makes me look fat even though I lost those thirty pounds?”

Dream big, people!

jmt,

Sean

Hey, want to support a great cause while following my workout advice? CLICK HERE.

Sprinting: Health Advice from an Avowed Couch Potato (Marathon T- 20 Weeks)

Apparently marathons are a slow, steady type race. Not to say that at times you shouldn’t step things up. I’ve seen race movies, and the end is always a sprint.

So it isn’t enough to be able to just keep moving, you have to train to be able to sprint at a moment’s notice. Now you can do this by going out and practicing, OR you can follow my methods of forcing sprinting without meaning to:

-Spring training: Park your car on a hill, realize as you are walking away that you did not put on the emergency brake;

-Summer training: Realize that the ice cream truck music is moving away from and not toward your house;

– Fall training: Be in the living room watching television with your siblings when you hear your mom announce from the kitchen, “Only one more piece of pumpkin pie left!”;

-Winter training: Wait until the eleven o’clock news anchor says, “One hour to midnight, and Christmas is finally here!” before asking yourself, “Did I get anything for my wife?”

jmt,

Sean

Hey, want to support a great cause while following my workout advice? CLICK HERE.

Weight Right Here: Health Advice from an Avowed Couch Potato (Marathon T- 21 Weeks)

For some people, jogging isn’t enough for their exercise needs. Those people are nuts. It is suggested, if you are suggestible, that lifting weights is a good way to balance your regimen.

Now if you are in shape, you may need to go to a gym for weight training, as most normal people do not have a bunch of weights just hanging out around the house. However, getting to a gym can be a lot of work. It often involves walking, at least from the car to the gym. Or so I’m told – I’ve never actually been to a gym.

So if you are in shape, tough luck. I recommend my plan instead: I am a good number of pounds over an “optimal” weight. Which means that every time I stand up, I am lifting weights.

So, I make sure to get in a least six reps a day (getting up to eat breakfast, getting up to go back to the couch, getting up to eat lunch, etc.). On intense work out days, I’ll make sure to include at least two extra trips to the kitchen for Doritos. I bet they don’t serve Doritos in most gyms.

jmt,

Sean

Hey, want to support a great cause while following my workout advice? CLICK HERE.

Reasons to Run: Health Advice from an Avowed Couch Potato (Marathon T-23 Weeks)

I am often asked, why exercise?

Besides supporting a good cause (CLICK HERE), the cartoon below explains it better than I could.

(My source: http://ifunny.co/fun/euiiog9T2)

Getting in shape to kill zombies

Going the Distance: Health Advice from an Avowed Couch Potato (Marathon T-24 Weeks)

To be clear, I am not running a full marathon, but rather participating as part of a relay. Apparently I will be going 4-6 miles.

It’s not that far, the length of a football field or something like that I think. But the “in shape” people in my life keep implying that I might have bitten off more than I can chew. So I decided to test the distance.

I went six miles the other day, and I gotta say – it was a snap. Don’t know what all the fussing is about.

UPDATE: My wife has suggested that my post may be a tad misleading, and strongly posited that I should clarify.

By “went six miles,” I mean I drove them in a car.

And by “I drove,” I mean my wife drove while I was in the passenger seat.

And by “in the passenger seat,” I mean that I may have been napping.

The part about it being a snap was true. I can sleep pretty much anywhere.

jmt,

Sean

Hey, want to support a great cause while following my workout advice? CLICK HERE.

Vitamins Part 2: Health Advice from an Avowed Couch Potato (Marathon T- 25 Weeks)

As an expert on the Flintstones, I am sharing what I know about vitamins. We talked about the first three, A, B & C last time.

On to Vitamin D: You get this one from sunshine – you don’t even have to eat a pill! It would be natural for you to think that if you get vitamin D from the glow of the sun’s light, that you can also get it from the glow of your flat screen TV’s light, but you would be wrong.

Your couch is too far away from the TV to get a proper dose of vitamin rays. This is why you need to get your i-pad or other tablet device up as close to your face as possible while playing Words with Friends. Soak up the rays, people!

Vitamin E: E stands for Eisenhower. I think this vitamin was discontinued in the 50’s.

Vitamin F: When showing an early draft of this article to my research department (mostly my cats, as everyone else I ask to verify my research tends to hang up on me), I was told that most people don’t think that vitamin F exists. Oh, it exists, my friend. Simple math, really – just count them: Fred, Wilma, Barney, Betty, Pebbles and Bam-Bam. 6 Flintstones, so there must be six vitamins, which takes us from A to F.

Hold on, I forgot Dino!

Vitamin Dino: Dino is the disappointment vitamin. You want Dino, because let’s face it, when you are five, Fred is kind of lame. So you want Dino, but do you ever get Dino? No, you always get Fred. Or Pebbles – Pebbles is for babies, I don’t want Pebbles, I don’t! I don’t!

I think my sister went through the jar and took out all the Dinos. And if you think I’m being paranoid, you haven’t heard of the infamous “Lucky Charms without any Marshmallows” incident.

I don’t want to talk about vitamins anymore. I need my therapist.

jmparanoidt,

Sean

Hey, want to support a great cause while following my workout advice? CLICK HERE.

Vitamins: Health Advice from an Avowed Couch Potato (Marathon T- 27 Weeks)

Apparently an important part of being healthy is knowing your vitamins. Now a lesser healthtician would look up some stuff before talking about vitamins, but I am pretty much an expert already: I grew up watching every Flintstones episode on TV, so there can’t be much more for me to learn.

For your benefit, here are the vitamins:

Vitamin A: All you really need to know is that this is the vitamin of choice for the Fonz.

Vitamin B: Should you take B, or not take B? Huh, that does seem to be the question.

Vitamin C: This is an important one, for avoiding the common cold or the common scurvy. C comes from oranges, so I assume it is a food color kind of thing. So make sure to have plenty of orange food in your diet.

Okay, I know what some of you are saying: Doritos are orange, so if I eat a lot of Doritos, I get all my vitamin C, right?

What a maroon. Of course not.

Only the nacho cheese flavored Doritos are orange – if you aren’t eating in balance, and just crushing on the cool ranch, you won’t get nearly enough C. So make sure your Doritos are orange to get the full health benefit.

Okay, that just made me hungry, so I’m going to stop now. We will cover the rest of the vitamins next week.

jmt,

Sean

Hey, want to support a great cause while following my workout advice? CLICK HERE.

Study of Running: Health Advice from an Avowed Couch Potato (Marathon T-28 Weeks)

My brother, the runner, coach PE instructor blah blah blah, claims that running is more that just going out and moving fast.

There’s a science to it, and studies show something or other about such and such – I don’t know, I stopped listening to him the moment I realized we weren’t going to talk about Pop Tarts (why is the Vanilla Creme so hard to find? Does Vanilla only grow seasonally?)

But I took whatever it was he said to heart, and realized that I should study the art of running.

So I’ve set the Tivo to look for:  The Amazing Race, Midnight Run, The Running Man and Chicken Run.

Am I missing anything?

jmt,

Sean

Hey, want to support a great cause while following my workout advice? Check this out: CLICK HERE.

Marathon Training: Health Advice from an Avowed Couch Potato (Marathon T-29 Weeks)

No school today, so a good time to get serious about the marathon training. I figure I need to see how in shape for this I am, sort of a base line to mark improvement from.

So today is marathon try #1 day, baby!

So far I’m doing good: I’ve finished the entire Battlestar Galactica miniseries, and am digging into season 1. It’s tiring – I probably should have started with something lighter, like Parks & Rec or Gilmore Girls. Hindsight…

I’m doing this up like the pros do. I have Cath stationed with little cups of Doritos between the couch and the kitchen, so I can re-nacho-ate at regular intervals. And I’m not ignoring my liquids – I have three colors of Dew within arms reach at all times. Got to keep healthy, people!

Tired, but I think I can push through a few more episodes. “Gonna Fly Now!”

jmt,

Sean

Hey, want to support a great cause while following my workout advice? Check this out: CLICK HERE.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,349 other followers